Internal Family Systems Therapy in Massachusetts and Rhode Island

What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy?

Did you ever have a part of you that wanted you to go to the gym, and another part that wanted to stay home? Then you already understand the basic idea of IFS!

We all have parts. And much of the time, they work together so seamlessly we hardly notice them.

Let's imagine you have a big project due at work. A part of you notices the deadline, another looks at your schedule and figures out how to fit the work into the time available, and another celebrates when you finish. All three of these parts are doing important jobs that help you show up the way you want to in your life.

When our parts work together this way, each can do its job without getting in the others' way. But sometimes, even though every part is trying to help, what one part does can create problems for another. That's often what is happening when we find ourselves caught in patterns we can't seem to change.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a way to get to know the different parts of ourselves—the parts with different feelings, desires, fears, and ways of managing—and understand what each is trying to do, so that the patterns keeping us stuck can begin to change.

Imagine that when you get stressed, a part of you knows that eating an entire package of Oreos will bring some immediate relief. When that part shows up, you may discover another part that scolds you for eating so much sugar, and perhaps another that feels shame afterward.

Just like the parts that helped you finish your work project, these parts are trying to help. But here, all that trying to help isn't actually helping very much. The sugar doesn't make the stress disappear—in fact, the scolding and shame may leave you feeling even worse.

In IFS, rather than trying to get rid of any of these parts, we get curious about them.

What is the part reaching for the Oreos trying to do for you? What is the scolding part afraid would happen if it stopped criticizing you? And what might the part that feels ashamed need?

When we slow things down enough to meet these parts one at a time, something different can begin to happen.

Why do we have parts in the first place?

Having different parts of ourselves isn't something that happens because something went wrong. Different situations naturally bring out different parts of us—the part that confidently leads a meeting isn't necessarily the same part that curls up on the couch with someone we love.

And when something is overwhelming, painful, frightening, or simply more than we have the resources to handle at the time, parts may take on new jobs to help us get through it.

A part might learn to keep everyone happy because, at some point in your life, keeping other people happy really did help things go more smoothly. Another might become an expert in imagining everything that could go wrong so you won't be caught off guard. One might push you to achieve so that no one has a reason to criticize you. Another may work hard to keep you from feeling something it believes would be too much to handle.

These ways of protecting us are remarkably intelligent adaptations to the circumstances in which they developed. A part that displayed incredible ingenuity and dedication in helping you get through something at 8, or 15, or 25 may still be doing the same job decades later, unaware that circumstances have changed—and its efforts may now be getting in the way of the life you want.

IFS gives us a way to understand these patterns without treating the parts behind them as defective—or as enemies that need to be defeated. Instead, we'll approach even the parts you dislike with respect for how hard they've been working to protect you. In IFS, there are no bad parts.

What happens in an IFS therapy session?

In an IFS session, we'll often begin with something that's happening in your life now: perhaps anxiety before a meeting, a conflict with your partner, a decision you can't seem to make, an urge you don't understand, or the voice in your head insisting that whatever you just did wasn't good enough.

Rather than rushing to figure out why it's happening or how to make it stop, we'll slow things down and notice what's happening inside.

Where do you experience this part of you? How do you know it's there? Is there a sensation in your body, an emotion, an image, a thought, a posture, an impulse?

Let's say you notice a tight feeling in your chest when you think about telling someone no. I might ask you to stay with that sensation for a moment and notice how you feel toward the part of you that's afraid to disappoint them. Maybe another part immediately jumps in and says, “This is ridiculous. Just say no!” We might ask that part if it would be willing to give us a little space so we can get curious about the part that's afraid. Then, rather than my telling you why you have trouble setting boundaries, we can listen together for what that part wants you to know.

We may learn what this part is worried about, what it's trying to accomplish, when it learned that its job was necessary, and what it fears might happen if it stopped.

Often, other parts have feelings about the part we're trying to understand. You may notice a part that's impatient with your anxiety, ashamed of your neediness, frightened of your anger, or determined to “do therapy right.” Those parts are welcome, too.

Over time, parts that have been working very hard—sometimes for decades—can begin to discover that they don't have to carry quite so much responsibility alone.

You don't need to know the names of your parts, understand IFS terminology, or arrive knowing exactly what you want to work on. We can begin with whatever is happening in your life now—and get curious together about what the different parts of you might be trying to tell you.

How is IFS different from traditional talk therapy?

Make no mistake: in IFS therapy, we do talk! But the way we talk is different.

Think about the difference between being in a dream and telling someone about the dream the next morning. When we talk about an experience, we have some distance from it. In IFS, we're interested in what happens when we connect with the experience from the inside—not just remembering that you felt afraid, for example, but noticing and getting to know the part of you that still carries that fear.

That gives us an opportunity to do more than understand the pattern. It gives the parts of you that are still carrying the experience an opportunity to learn something new.

But what does that actually look, sound, and feel like?

Lots of different ways, because people are different.

Some people primarily experience their parts as sensations in their body or a “felt sense” of things. Others see vivid images: a color, a symbol, or even a full-sized person with its own facial expressions and body language. You may simply hear words or know that a part feels a certain way. You might find that you work best using small figures or making drawings to represent your parts in the external world.

These are all good ways to connect with parts, and we can work together to discover what suits you best.

You don't need to be good at visualizing or meditating to do IFS. There isn't a right way to experience your internal world.

What if I already understand why I feel this way?

If you're here, you've probably already identified things about yourself—whether in therapy, through reading, or on social media—that seem to explain some of your suffering.

Maybe you know you're anxiously attached, or avoidant. You had emotionally immature parents. You were parentified. You learned to perform in order to receive love. You understand exactly why you become anxious when someone pulls away or why criticism sends you spiraling.

And yet that insight hasn't necessarily changed the way you feel.

Knowing about an experience and being with the parts of you that are still carrying its effects are different things.

IFS gives us a way to move beyond simply understanding the story. Instead of explaining a frightened, ashamed, angry, or lonely part from a distance, we can begin to build a relationship with it.

That shift—from knowing about ourselves to being with ourselves—can open possibilities that insight alone sometimes can't.

What can IFS therapy help with?

IFS can help us work with many of the patterns that leave us feeling stuck: the racing heart and sweaty palms of anxiety; the pressure to get everything exactly right; saying yes when you want to say no; replaying a conversation for hours afterward; or shutting down when you wish you could speak.

In my practice, I often use IFS with people struggling with:

• Anxiety and chronic worry

• Perfectionism and self-doubt

• People-pleasing and difficulty setting boundaries

• Trauma and the ways past experiences continue to shape the present

IFS can also be particularly useful when you find yourself saying some version of: I know this doesn't make sense, but I can't seem to stop feeling this way.

The goal isn't to eliminate the parts behind these reactions. It's to help them discover that they don't have to work quite so hard to protect you.

What is Self in IFS?

IFS proposes that all of us have something that isn't a part, but more like the wisest core of who we are, which we call Self.

Self isn't a perfected or enlightened version of you that you have to work hard to become. It's the capacity already within you to meet your experience with qualities like curiosity, compassion, calm, clarity, courage, creativity, confidence, and connectedness. It was in you when you were born, and it's always there, even when it feels hard to access—like the sun is still there when storm clouds temporarily cover it up.

You may already know this state. Perhaps you've felt it when you were absorbed in creative work, walking in the woods, or during a moment when you suddenly knew that you could handle something difficult.

In IFS therapy, we don't try to convince your parts to do something different. Instead, my job is to help you create enough space around the parts that are frightened, angry, ashamed, critical, or overwhelmed so that more of you—your Self—can be present with them.

As your parts start to feel listened to and cared about, a trusting relationship develops. Parts that have spent years believing they were alone with impossible jobs can begin to feel that another way is possible.

My experience with IFS

Internal Family Systems is central to the way I practice psychotherapy. Since beginning my Level 1 training, IFS has become the primary way I understand what is happening when a client feels stuck.

When someone tells me, “I keep agreeing to do things that I dread doing because I can't say no,” I hear a part that has compelling reasons for saying yes, another part that dreads what they've agreed to, and maybe still another that's frustrated that this keeps happening. Rather than seeing any of these parts as the problem, I'm interested in understanding what each is trying to do and what might help them relate differently.

I have since completed Level 2 training through the IFS Institute, served as a program assistant for an IFS Level 1 training, and continued to deepen my understanding through additional training, consultation, and my own personal work.

My own experience of IFS has also shaped how I practice. Having experienced the work from the inside has helped me develop greater tolerance for staying with what comes up, even when it's difficult or unexpected, without needing to rush toward resolution.

IFS also informs how I integrate Somatic Experiencing and Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) into my work, particularly when we're working with trauma.

Whatever approaches we use, I want therapy to be a place where you don't have to fight with yourself in order to change. We can start by getting curious about what's already happening inside you, and go from there.

Interested in working together?

If some of what you've read here feels familiar, we can talk about what's bringing you to therapy and whether working together feels like a good fit.